7/12/2015

Attended icibel2015 to present my master project paper. Went fairly well on the first day met few people i knew and some new people all engineers and some from allied health iium. 

5/11/2015

Done with breastfeeding workshop where i lost my cool the most this year i guess. Bad one. This time. No more. 

Got a text whatsapp from a colleague, a phd holder once my boss. We did apply for a grant together few weeks back and today we got rejected. Whatevs. The thing is she told me she felt easy working with me and that i seems to be very fast. This isn't the first time a professor told me this. Few months back my clinicalSV  from Um told me that i catch on very fast. Now that really makes me feel like i am fast and that means i can understand things well. I am proud of that. Although i didnt graduate on top of the class but at least some people feel happy to work with me. My SV once told me that my clinical SV goes on and on about me being very hardworking and she told me how fast i am. Although she herself has never really praise me that well. She just said that she knew me very well. How i work etc. 

I feel like it is good to give adequate recognition that it boost up their confident and it is good for their achievement. 

15/9/2015

Have you ever feel so bad mood that you cried but you dont know why the hell did you do that. 

Well i have. I am now. 

Bawling my eyes. Battling some kind of stupid face to look cool.

23/8/2015

I was thinking of quitting uia and move to uitm. But as long as people are good to me and i dont have that much problem with people, then i will stay. When people start treating me bad and when i feel like i have enough, i will resign and move on. It is not that i am stuck up or i feel like i have a lot of opportunity in other place, but more to job satisfaction and life goals. I want to be happy. I need to be happy. I am happy when people are good and they work hard and equally motivate me to work hard. But the moment i feel like people are unequal and there are things that hasten my career pathway, i will move away. 

Right now, i have quite a reputation for being mean to a friend. I am stubborn, not welcoming feedback etc. well i had a fall out with a friend but that was settled i think. We moved on and we grew up and mature. It is such a small girl fight, at least thats what i think. But we are okay now. Another friend however started to give me mean messages and i do not like the way it sounds. I wanted to just ignore that negativity, but that will make things bitter. So i decided to face her and talk nicely, well if i can, and settle things. Maybe i was wrong and i just need to apologize. I dont care whos at fault i just want things to be better or else if she still with her bitchy self, i will start to ignore her. I am pretty good at ignoring people now that i have practice a lot. Hahahahaha!!!! Whos bad? 

15/8/2015

I still feel the pain. Still feel like blaming my lecturers for not getting a good grade for my final thesis. It all comes back because i will be seeing them next week. I have a lot on my mind about that place and everyone there. It reminds me of dark days. That terrible feeling of not getting what i want and yet they did very little to help. I know they dont care that much. They just dont care. 

Still remember the HOD came in class earlier in the semester in year 1. She told us that all students are the same. It just meant that she dont care that much. A student is just another student. And she can still get her paycheck at the end of every month without really care about students welfare. She had this twisted decisions that did not allow me who has 1 solid year of being a nurse in pediatrics to do pediatric elective, but she gave it to another student the next year round who only has experience as a CI in peads! What a cruel decision she made. Unfair to the core and made me feel like not seeing her or even hear her name. But the nursing world in Malaysia is so small. Literally everyone knows each other or at least have connections with each other. And i hate that. I hate that i have to see her name and it makes me think of all that stupid things. Yeah people can say put the past behind. I can do that. But it is eating me inside. Not killing me thankfully. I just wish i did not do it in the first place. 

7/8/2015

Met with nice successful people. All successful people i met are usually very kind and helpful. Wonder if all these successful people came to meet kind and successful people previously and it makes them successful as well? That should be a karma theory i guess. 

Met with Prof Rasid@h from uitm yesterday and she was so kind and helpful. Was asking about any vacancy in uitm and despite all the talks about my lack of clinical experience, she still offered me her phone number and asked me to whatsapp to her personally then she will guide me to how to fill in the online application form. I hope she gets it that i was asking for a job not a place for a phd or master program. But smart people will definitely catch on very fast. I strongly believe in that. She was saying that we actually need people in critical care, but anyway....(something like we will sort you out once you join us). Wow what a nice virtue of a leader she is. Lol! 

Well at least she didnt judge me by my first impression. Not like my teacher from U@M and U^^ who were so judgmental of student, calling me rude, takda soft skill etc. well i hope all of them will get nice and polite students who never question any of their ideas and policies. And so all your students will be as dumb if not worse than chimpanzees. 

Was chatting with a colleague who is ~50years old then a student was looking around and she asked the boy who he wanted to see. Turns out the lecturer was at a different level. Then my friend was complaining about the boy not asking her when she right in front of his face. I told her the boy must be shy to ask since we are still chatting. She couldnt accept that fact though. I can see that there is a generation gap. I understand the boys predicament. But these oldies dont. 

Met with my ex uitm classmate and we talked about how we like to see the students. Because we get lonely since there arent many lecturers our age and when we do see the students we get to be ourselves and not trying to please these other people. How true! 

24/7/2015

I am not a nice person i know. I didnt put my ex sv name in my paper. Just submitted today. Felt fine. Feeling motivated and wanting to do more. But i was thinking of how boring and lonely it is to stay here. I am thinking of working hard so i cant get my mind off things but it doesnt work really. 

23/7/2015

Done my teaching workload file. But need to borrow some geriatric books to do the course outline and prepare some lecture notes. They said we can use the old one. But me as a new lecturer still freaking eager to do it myself and show off lah. And need to get community books as mentioned in the course reference. 

at 30

At 30 i vow to eat healthier, exercise more, reduce junk foods and be positive.

At 30 I feet more responsible, more confident on how i carry myself. But the downside was i felt more impatient, i got more angrier at people who do not follow rules etc..

At 30 I feel happy about my life, always thinking of the future and i wanted to be successful in life. I am more competitive and matured thinking. I care a lot on things that i may not even give a second look before. 

7/7/2015

Zip it. Just zip it. Keep it to yourself. No one needs to know and nobody wants to know. Be grateful of where you are now. 

The day when i felt happy

Called my coordinator in um. She said not to worry since she talked to the examiners and all of them said all are ok. Now i felt settled and calm and good. I dont even know how to begin. But this is one of those days that i feel at ease and like jumping off ceiling of my top floor office and straight up to the sky. Felt like buying food for everyone. Feel good. 

Presentation day

27/5/2015

Had my final presentation of research project today. My sv wasnt around got meeting with dean. So i found out that sv asked the others to see her after this. But didnt say anything to me. I felt left out. But well if sv not interested then i wont bother to go see her. Whats the use she never care. I need to repair and change a lot of things. But i dont know if i should see her or just do what i thought was right. 

At the end, sv pulled my knapsack while i was talking to other people. She asked are you in bad mood? No i am not. I rushed to pay for the food in cafe. Then i went up to see sv in her office. She asked whats wrong i looked uninterested. I had a transparent face and she said i looked so blur like i dont know what i was talking about during my presentation, though i looked sweet. Lol! She said she knew me from before and i was so good and skillful in presentation. I dont believe it myself but that sure boost my confident. So i told her i just got back from my uni and so tired then my laptop broke down then i had to print at the labcom and wasnt ready to present i dont have time to read all that. But still i should control myself and not be very transparent, but maybe because i am young and as i get older i may be able to control it well. 

My life is so much associated with UM. Somehow all my friends and my conversations turns out to be referring back to um. How sad. I dont have a life. 

Dont change the way it is 18/4/2015

With the new sv i am happy that i dont want to mess it up. Good guidance and i trusted her. So much that i dont listen to myself anymore. I believe that she will provide nothing but the best. That is what i believe in right now.

Everybody has been asking me that i should be happy with this new sv. I was a bit ashamed of it. Maybe i made it too obvious. So everytime people asked me i will answer with a shrug or just its fine ok.

I always make it clear to everyone that i want an A. Like a real A no kidding. Then my sv first thing said that it doesnt mean that if i am with her that its a gurantee that i wiĺl get A. Then Dr c said the same. Then yesterday Dr p said you can get A now. And i said no there is not enough time to write. She said its kind of true.

By the end of my discussion yesterday wit sv she said i am happy. Wait. Shouldnt i be the one who said that i am happy. Well....



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Ops

I feel sp stupid right now i apologize to new sv for being rude but later replied  back to jer that i did that bevause my mother insist on me to. Andbshe said to feed ur ego. Oh owh...stupid mistakes laaa........what am i thinking. She is the new sv la.i am so shy now to go see her. How la now.. i feel like not doing it anymore. Haiyyaaaa....hope she wont remember any of it lor..

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New sv and free private lecture 15/4/2015

Since i was impatient and rude to the HOD and now the same hod is willing to be my new sv, she gave me a good 30mins lecture on it. I swallow it nicely just like she said i have to swallow it since i am younger and lecturers are in higher position than students. Damn right.

Talking about rough diamonds and how my sharp edges is killing people. I thought her words are killing me in the first place. She said i dont have to see her anymore this is the final semester. Yeayyyy! 

We talked and she was nice guiding me through my research. She will meet me again on Friday to finalize a few other things. Had spss class with Prof KC tomorrow hope everything is fine.

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Almost 7/4/2015

I had meeting with the three lecturers from my department. prof k, dr c, dr p. I came late so Prof K explained evertything and it was the same thing she told me in whatsapp on days before. She was all nice. She promised that it will be settled by 48 hours at most. Then she emailed again saying it will be another week till they can make the decision to change supervisor because they have set a date for my soon to be ex sv to come at her convenience. Fuck your convenience! 

What about us. We are not at that convenience. And prof k was all about getting down on that which pissed me off. They can all rot in hell and keep all their knowledge burried together. What is so hard with secretly taking in 3 students who are already in their data collection phase and only need to discuss on a little on analysis and discussion. What bunch of selfish people. 

17/2/2015 Losing motivation

I really hated it when people even reluctant to be assessed for memory. Let alone refuse. A malay man refused after much coercion and i felt so annoyed and walked away like that. Wasting my freaking time. What is wring with people i just need to ask to know how your memory is. Not asking you kn rocket science. This is why this country is still backwards. When the poeple still afraid on new things. I bet even my parents will do the same. I hope that the new generation will be much more accepting and no more looking backward or afraid of things. We are too sheltered and maybe that is how the colonialism has taught us. I mean what the white people taught our forefathers. They want us to be afraid. They want us to scare away from development. Stay backwards and not improving. 

That got me to remember a meeting with mu mentor. She kind of emphasise on meeting her earlier if i want a remark (because i got B+ for research proposal). I kept telling her its not about remarking, its about improvement! How can i improve? Whats done is done. I cant go back to repair anything. If i did not get an A then it goes to show u dont deserve it in the first place. Even if i beg for an A it would not mean that much anymore. I only have next semester to work on my thesis and that is when i get the chance to improve. And now i need to know how, where and what i did wrong that got me fail to get A. 

Anyway i felt unmotivated and even more so without anyone to share it with. I bet everyone else is creating their own data. Only i am stupid enough to do all this.   

14/2/2015 valentines day

Had clinical today and i am doing transport. And TFM. And special task. And ushers. And anthro if needed. Well dont complaint. I am happy as long as i got a great colleagues to work with. Everyone is being very nice and normal. 

Met with mentor Prof k yesterday to get feedback on my research proposal. She read out the comments she made 2 months ago plus the other examiner's comments and lucky i recorded the whole thing while jotting down (pretend!).

She got a little angry that i didnt come see her earlier because its unfair for her to flip back when she dont have the time to. I guess she felt not worth it to take time to look at my unremarkable proposal again just to give me a feedback? Oh well i am not that worth it Prof! 

Then i slipped out saying that the other examiner refuse to see me for feedback. She didnt believe in me at first and thought that it was just a misunderstanding. I really dont like it when people doubt my honesty. So i took out my phone to show that email from 2nd examiner. She cant believe that her own staff did things like that. She said to emphasise on seeing students is not something you can refuse as a lecturer. I was a bit worried it might go back to me though but i hope everything will be better anyway. 

Anger not shown 12/2/2015

Went for data collection follow up. Earlier i went to see my mentor cum examiner in research project. Asking for feedback but she cant give me any because she does not have the forms that she wrote all the comments on. 

And...she actually got angry that i waited for her without any appointment to see her. But she told me off in a good and calm manner. She said that i may continue doing that coming without appointment even when i am back in my university. Then people may think i picked up that habit from um lecturers. I said its okay i can go back now to collect data - to which she replied of how sensitive i am! Lol jk prof! I was set to see her tomorrow at 4pm. I am so blessed having one nice lecturer to work with. The other examiner refused to see me. Saying the marks is out and nothing to discuss. 

Now am recuperating from my minor throat infection and allergy. Please get well soon dear me.  

Kenapa pesakit di ppum tak suka buat cognitive test? Kenapa kenapa kenapa! Your brain is there for a reason. Ape salahnya orang suruh memorize 5 perkataan je pon. 5 je. Tang mana yg susah sgt tu. 😭

7/2/2015 Getting a flying kiss

Had Saturday clinical in the morning and i was doing transport with van uncle G. All went very well surprisingly i found all the homes and everyone were cooperative. Everyone were very quiet and looked uptight in the morning. Maybe it was the food and water Kak B prepared for us, we became very excellent in treating all these elderly that they seems to be happy and upbeat when its about time to go home. I felt good too making them happy. When sending them off in the van they gave me flying kisses?!?! And not to be rude i only send them back a few. I have no biases but maybe they felt as if it was their own daughter. A few people asked for my name and i always felt sorry  when they do because i know that i would not remember any of them anymore. I had this kind of split personality that when the person is on front of me i will be very nice to them but when they are not it will be like they never even exist. Thats how life goes on and why would i even want to remember all of them when i know i will never meet them again. 

Then we, few RAs, planned for roadtrip melaka on CNY. Felt very comfortable working with everyone i am afraid of it. This is too much comfort zone for me. I have never been this comfortable in clinical. Maybe i just dont clique with nurses. There must be something about their culture in malaysia that i dont get. Yet. I will. Later. 

Trackers nerve

I found out that you can track your viewers and i did just that just because. Lots coming from us and why would anyone wants to read what i did daily (almost!)?. Swear i had nothing to do with those islamic extremist but at the same time i am happy i got readers. But not from my own country which is so weird. And scary when the views come from a biggest police country. Erks. 

I am going for a statistical course advanced today still with Prof Chua and he is so smart. I hope i can get a much clearer view on regression and manova. I really wanted to learn that. I know what it is but to execute them is not an easy buisness. I am not going to use it for my project though i will be doing dependent sample t test because of the pre and post test. Which is so hard! I mean the data collection. 

 

Youtube life

I live off of youtube and when this apps absolutely crashed in my iphone i felt not very good. Maybe i did not update to the latest ios that makes it not working and unable to update. Bugs go away. 

Had a talk with my mom about renting a friends house in Kuantan. Told her that the master bedroom with bathroom attached will be rm400 per month and the other smaller room rm200. She thought it is too expensive to run. I was thinking installing the ac if it gots too hot. I know it is hot over there when the time comes. June may or may not be hot. Depending on the monsoon though. 

I felt ok about getting back to kuantan its where my life will be for the next freaking 10 years. I think. Maybe i will pay back the stupid 150k bond and move away to kl. I dont know. 

My research is going ok. Am collecting data now so far had less than 20. Need to buy more tokens for these elders. They are not very happy though but i hope i will get enough sample. Am promised to tag along this week to help me get interview. Dont know if he is joking or else.....

Very unsatisfactory result

Had a look at my research proposal result and i only got a B+ this is frustrating. 

First paper

Last Friday afternoon me and a friend Am we discuss on a new paper that we intended to publish for that M project. It will be a mixed method where i will be doing the quantitative part and he will be doing the qualitative part. All the discussions will be done by him and translation by Ay. 

I thought the discussion was thought provoking. Anyway it is a brainstorming session. I didnt understand at first at what he was looking at. He is a social science media student and he talks about wanting my "scientific mind" to put into this paper. I was not really that scientific minded anyway since nursing is a combination of both scientific and arts. So i thought i think differently than those biomedics. We discussed more on the objectives depending on our existing data and how he can better explain them with qualitative later. 

I have never imagined doing a mixed method but now i think i wanted to do it. But i am more on doing an ethnography instead because i am really into culture these days. 

Am I pligiarising?

Met my mentor early morning initially just to kill time before i met with the clinical sv. My mentor is also the examiner for my research proposal and she had done marking my writeup. She was not present for the final presentation. She called me in her room and started with a serious tone. You want me to be honest dont you. Here i want to tell you. Your writing is not like your style of writing. I knew you from semester 1 and your writing style is very different. I quickly asked her if she thought i was copying others work and i denied them all. Then i told her that she was the one who suggest that i read few articles and people's work that are excellent and look at their writing style. She said my writing is very good but its not like mine. She knew me too well perhaps. 

She said that in time i will find and develop my own writing style. I have yet to understand that statement. 

Then met with clinical sv and she explained well all the sample calculations and randomization process to be done in the ward. She lend me 2 of the hearing amplifier. I could not meet the ward sister she was on night duty. Apparently i can start the pilot study now even before ethical approval. 

I left for my MELoR meeting at 10. 

Went to melor office after lunch and finished up some papers. Went out with a colleague. He soothes me and invited me to join his publishing paper. I am so excited to join them and hoping i can help the best i can. He is only 25 but he got good prospect and determination. I like that about him.