17/2/2015 Losing motivation

I really hated it when people even reluctant to be assessed for memory. Let alone refuse. A malay man refused after much coercion and i felt so annoyed and walked away like that. Wasting my freaking time. What is wring with people i just need to ask to know how your memory is. Not asking you kn rocket science. This is why this country is still backwards. When the poeple still afraid on new things. I bet even my parents will do the same. I hope that the new generation will be much more accepting and no more looking backward or afraid of things. We are too sheltered and maybe that is how the colonialism has taught us. I mean what the white people taught our forefathers. They want us to be afraid. They want us to scare away from development. Stay backwards and not improving. 

That got me to remember a meeting with mu mentor. She kind of emphasise on meeting her earlier if i want a remark (because i got B+ for research proposal). I kept telling her its not about remarking, its about improvement! How can i improve? Whats done is done. I cant go back to repair anything. If i did not get an A then it goes to show u dont deserve it in the first place. Even if i beg for an A it would not mean that much anymore. I only have next semester to work on my thesis and that is when i get the chance to improve. And now i need to know how, where and what i did wrong that got me fail to get A. 

Anyway i felt unmotivated and even more so without anyone to share it with. I bet everyone else is creating their own data. Only i am stupid enough to do all this.   

14/2/2015 valentines day

Had clinical today and i am doing transport. And TFM. And special task. And ushers. And anthro if needed. Well dont complaint. I am happy as long as i got a great colleagues to work with. Everyone is being very nice and normal. 

Met with mentor Prof k yesterday to get feedback on my research proposal. She read out the comments she made 2 months ago plus the other examiner's comments and lucky i recorded the whole thing while jotting down (pretend!).

She got a little angry that i didnt come see her earlier because its unfair for her to flip back when she dont have the time to. I guess she felt not worth it to take time to look at my unremarkable proposal again just to give me a feedback? Oh well i am not that worth it Prof! 

Then i slipped out saying that the other examiner refuse to see me for feedback. She didnt believe in me at first and thought that it was just a misunderstanding. I really dont like it when people doubt my honesty. So i took out my phone to show that email from 2nd examiner. She cant believe that her own staff did things like that. She said to emphasise on seeing students is not something you can refuse as a lecturer. I was a bit worried it might go back to me though but i hope everything will be better anyway. 

Anger not shown 12/2/2015

Went for data collection follow up. Earlier i went to see my mentor cum examiner in research project. Asking for feedback but she cant give me any because she does not have the forms that she wrote all the comments on. 

And...she actually got angry that i waited for her without any appointment to see her. But she told me off in a good and calm manner. She said that i may continue doing that coming without appointment even when i am back in my university. Then people may think i picked up that habit from um lecturers. I said its okay i can go back now to collect data - to which she replied of how sensitive i am! Lol jk prof! I was set to see her tomorrow at 4pm. I am so blessed having one nice lecturer to work with. The other examiner refused to see me. Saying the marks is out and nothing to discuss. 

Now am recuperating from my minor throat infection and allergy. Please get well soon dear me.  

Kenapa pesakit di ppum tak suka buat cognitive test? Kenapa kenapa kenapa! Your brain is there for a reason. Ape salahnya orang suruh memorize 5 perkataan je pon. 5 je. Tang mana yg susah sgt tu. 😭

7/2/2015 Getting a flying kiss

Had Saturday clinical in the morning and i was doing transport with van uncle G. All went very well surprisingly i found all the homes and everyone were cooperative. Everyone were very quiet and looked uptight in the morning. Maybe it was the food and water Kak B prepared for us, we became very excellent in treating all these elderly that they seems to be happy and upbeat when its about time to go home. I felt good too making them happy. When sending them off in the van they gave me flying kisses?!?! And not to be rude i only send them back a few. I have no biases but maybe they felt as if it was their own daughter. A few people asked for my name and i always felt sorry  when they do because i know that i would not remember any of them anymore. I had this kind of split personality that when the person is on front of me i will be very nice to them but when they are not it will be like they never even exist. Thats how life goes on and why would i even want to remember all of them when i know i will never meet them again. 

Then we, few RAs, planned for roadtrip melaka on CNY. Felt very comfortable working with everyone i am afraid of it. This is too much comfort zone for me. I have never been this comfortable in clinical. Maybe i just dont clique with nurses. There must be something about their culture in malaysia that i dont get. Yet. I will. Later. 

Trackers nerve

I found out that you can track your viewers and i did just that just because. Lots coming from us and why would anyone wants to read what i did daily (almost!)?. Swear i had nothing to do with those islamic extremist but at the same time i am happy i got readers. But not from my own country which is so weird. And scary when the views come from a biggest police country. Erks. 

I am going for a statistical course advanced today still with Prof Chua and he is so smart. I hope i can get a much clearer view on regression and manova. I really wanted to learn that. I know what it is but to execute them is not an easy buisness. I am not going to use it for my project though i will be doing dependent sample t test because of the pre and post test. Which is so hard! I mean the data collection. 

 

Youtube life

I live off of youtube and when this apps absolutely crashed in my iphone i felt not very good. Maybe i did not update to the latest ios that makes it not working and unable to update. Bugs go away. 

Had a talk with my mom about renting a friends house in Kuantan. Told her that the master bedroom with bathroom attached will be rm400 per month and the other smaller room rm200. She thought it is too expensive to run. I was thinking installing the ac if it gots too hot. I know it is hot over there when the time comes. June may or may not be hot. Depending on the monsoon though. 

I felt ok about getting back to kuantan its where my life will be for the next freaking 10 years. I think. Maybe i will pay back the stupid 150k bond and move away to kl. I dont know. 

My research is going ok. Am collecting data now so far had less than 20. Need to buy more tokens for these elders. They are not very happy though but i hope i will get enough sample. Am promised to tag along this week to help me get interview. Dont know if he is joking or else.....