Very unsatisfactory result

Had a look at my research proposal result and i only got a B+ this is frustrating. 

First paper

Last Friday afternoon me and a friend Am we discuss on a new paper that we intended to publish for that M project. It will be a mixed method where i will be doing the quantitative part and he will be doing the qualitative part. All the discussions will be done by him and translation by Ay. 

I thought the discussion was thought provoking. Anyway it is a brainstorming session. I didnt understand at first at what he was looking at. He is a social science media student and he talks about wanting my "scientific mind" to put into this paper. I was not really that scientific minded anyway since nursing is a combination of both scientific and arts. So i thought i think differently than those biomedics. We discussed more on the objectives depending on our existing data and how he can better explain them with qualitative later. 

I have never imagined doing a mixed method but now i think i wanted to do it. But i am more on doing an ethnography instead because i am really into culture these days. 

Am I pligiarising?

Met my mentor early morning initially just to kill time before i met with the clinical sv. My mentor is also the examiner for my research proposal and she had done marking my writeup. She was not present for the final presentation. She called me in her room and started with a serious tone. You want me to be honest dont you. Here i want to tell you. Your writing is not like your style of writing. I knew you from semester 1 and your writing style is very different. I quickly asked her if she thought i was copying others work and i denied them all. Then i told her that she was the one who suggest that i read few articles and people's work that are excellent and look at their writing style. She said my writing is very good but its not like mine. She knew me too well perhaps. 

She said that in time i will find and develop my own writing style. I have yet to understand that statement. 

Then met with clinical sv and she explained well all the sample calculations and randomization process to be done in the ward. She lend me 2 of the hearing amplifier. I could not meet the ward sister she was on night duty. Apparently i can start the pilot study now even before ethical approval. 

I left for my MELoR meeting at 10. 

Went to melor office after lunch and finished up some papers. Went out with a colleague. He soothes me and invited me to join his publishing paper. I am so excited to join them and hoping i can help the best i can. He is only 25 but he got good prospect and determination. I like that about him.  

Motivated after a youtube video

Went for a jog then had a less than 15 minutes of aerobic dance in KBS. Funny i still had almost zero stamina i cant even lift up my hand for the exercise anymore after a few minutes. Felt great and thin afterwards. Done with my weight loss story. 

I had a good chat with my eldest brother and parents. Then watch youtube and tv all day. Searched for night routine college and i see that 2 videos the girls had their homework/ study first after coming back from college or after dinner. And then finally they will start youtube or netflix. I guess that is the right way. I always start with youtube and then wont even study because i got tired and just get ready for bed afterwards. 

Gotta change all that!! Still had lots to do to improve on my final thesis project. Wish me luck. 

I

Will start with this oxy matte gel on top of my benzac 2.5%. Finally i put on sunblock and all done! 

Felt really stressed out. My mother still in the hospital with anemia and unknown heart condition. Tried to email coordinator who takes care of our proposal but failed. So i tried to see the HOD but in Kelantan and said i better email coordinator instead. I knew that forever and i did that. I wont response to them anymore. Go the fuck up. I dont care i will submit when i feel like submitting it. 

Felt like fucking crying now. Cried several times today and continously lepaking from midvalley to Z's hostel room still with an unsettled heart. Had a discussion with Dr P early this morning about how a study by a nursing student was published with her name as a second author when she should be the first. Its the nursing students fault that she was terribly busy to finish up her manuscript so Prof T asked her bioengine student to do it. So they komplot and make his name as the 1st author since he was the one who invented the device anyway. Dr P said it wasnt anyones to blame but the nursing student. So i shouldnt be weak and slow like her. She said i am different from her. Yeah right thank you for giving me that strenght. 

Then met with my mentor. Almost cried while talking to her. Somehow she always had me telling her everything. When i start to talk about things and explain and she always tried to korek my feelings and validate my feelings and explain it back to me like she knew me better than myself. She said you are tired....u letih...tired of explaining to people. And nobody get you. Maybe that what exactly happen. I am tired. I am fed up. I am frustrated. I felt like giving up. Thats all i can think of right now. I dont want to do it anymore. Its too tiring. 

She said i have to be smart. You want to graduate it does not matter what happen. You do what you have to because your ultimate goal is to graduate not to experiment things. Do not put your feet down or you will have to face the consequence yourself. People have warned you. Expert people. 

I emailed her my proposal (4th) to ask her view is it feasible or unnecessary and if its really bad then i wont do it. I will extent another year. Fuck it. She hasnt reply. Fuck her.