Felt like fucking crying now. Cried several times today and continously lepaking from midvalley to Z's hostel room still with an unsettled heart. Had a discussion with Dr P early this morning about how a study by a nursing student was published with her name as a second author when she should be the first. Its the nursing students fault that she was terribly busy to finish up her manuscript so Prof T asked her bioengine student to do it. So they komplot and make his name as the 1st author since he was the one who invented the device anyway. Dr P said it wasnt anyones to blame but the nursing student. So i shouldnt be weak and slow like her. She said i am different from her. Yeah right thank you for giving me that strenght. 

Then met with my mentor. Almost cried while talking to her. Somehow she always had me telling her everything. When i start to talk about things and explain and she always tried to korek my feelings and validate my feelings and explain it back to me like she knew me better than myself. She said you are tired....u letih...tired of explaining to people. And nobody get you. Maybe that what exactly happen. I am tired. I am fed up. I am frustrated. I felt like giving up. Thats all i can think of right now. I dont want to do it anymore. Its too tiring. 

She said i have to be smart. You want to graduate it does not matter what happen. You do what you have to because your ultimate goal is to graduate not to experiment things. Do not put your feet down or you will have to face the consequence yourself. People have warned you. Expert people. 

I emailed her my proposal (4th) to ask her view is it feasible or unnecessary and if its really bad then i wont do it. I will extent another year. Fuck it. She hasnt reply. Fuck her. 

I felt a little unsettled by the politics that has been going on in the department. I found that 3 distinction students graduate last year were all Chinese and non was malay. I felt driven to be one next year. But it means that i have to get 4 for proposal and dissertation. I dont think i can achieve that but i will try my freakin best!

Asked to meet my mentor tomorrow but i felt reluctant to be nice to her. Wanted to give her birthday present that we forgot to bring last week. But it felt wrong because she obviously didnt choose me to be the sv but chosen a 4 flat student and a very senior-resesrch-nurse from ppum. Its really fucking obvious she wanted their name. Nothing else. She dont value people who dont benefit her. 

I felt like i was playing her games. I am like one of the character that she move em around. Its stupid and i feel dumb now. 

Last Saturday as usual is the main clinic day for melor project. I was put for transportation. Because the coordinator wasnt around, Siewe was in charge to arrange all participants. She got people to call them and me and joyce and banu will pick up by van or car for me. I had to pick up 5 participants from Tmn medan and Bangsar. 1 uncle from flat sri pahang refuse to go so i had only 1 from bangsar. 

This uncle from Bangsar gave me and Amri really inspirational "talk" in life and work. We were just discussing how unfair that we had so many things to do but with the same pay but others had less responsibility. So this uncle was telling us do not be afraid to accept responsibilty and work that your boss give you. Do not complaint. He said that as a boss he knows that he will give the most jobs to the best worker. He was a deputy director in the government and when he retired at 55, many private companies approach him to be their consultant. I asked him did you apply for jobs? He said no. They gave him jobs. He had a double storey terrace house in Bangsar and a Mercedes. And 2 cute dogs. 

He said that his boss - a minister- always bring him along for international conference and he was the one to write all the reports and presenting it internationally so people around the world recognize him for his work. It may be hard work but its the fruit of his labour that he got all these companies lining up to get a piece of him. 

I also asked him is it good to have a second job? He said it depends on your prosect and priority. As a woman family should come first. I think he is not like any other chinese who value money so much. He got enough to get by and he value his time with family. That is more important to him. He said to make full use of the government loan. Take the maximum amount and take your time to settle them. Its worth it. 

On the way back he told me about how he attended this project in a hospital (cant remember where) that taught them how to fertilize to get a daughter. A women's cycle must be accurately determined. The sperms will last about 24 hours and a bit more. The fertilization to get a girl is tricky because you need to time fertilization to occur at the very end of your sperm life because girls sperms are the one that can last longer more than 24hours. It is easier to get boys apparently but i wonder why at the end of the world prophecy women will be more than men. 

On the way back in the heavy rain i got hit by a car from the right side in front of UM kl gate. Not a scratch on my car. I wonder why. But i got scared and shocked. So i decide just then to not picking up participants by car anymore. It will cost me a lot if anything happen to me and the participants because i do not have any insurance. I may get sued. I whatsapp the group and joyce replied to me first she was worried and agree with me. Then banu replied and she was fine with it. Others dont reply not even my coordinator who was on holliday. No i am not pissed.(lie)

Transport issue number two is my coordinator told me earlier that i will get paid rm20 for EACH PARTICIPANT. now this other RA who was in charge of my money said that i will get only rm20 for each area no matter how many of them. I felt it is unfair and that accident really put me off about this transport issue. Go to fucking hell everyone i am not doing it anymore. Everyone i spoken with agree that it is unfair for the payment. I didnt want to cause trouble but now i made this fucking decision and i aint changing it. 

I really want to appear a happy bunny and be nice to everyone. I know that i am reliable and a good worker that anyone could have so i am not worried. I am super ready to give up this job as i have my own project now to look into.